It’s Your Birthday? Nobody Cares.

Michael Hume - Word Play logo

November, 2021 * Volume I, Number 11

Dear Likeable Reader,

On this special occasion, it’s only fitting that you should receive the latest edition of your favorite news-free newsletter, Word PLAY!

It’s an occasion I take extremely seriously, as you’ll note when you waste the 192 seconds it will take you to read this. (Well, the good parts, anyway.)


Joking aside, THANK YOU for reading… for not opting out just yet… and for making Firewords Creative Copy your go-to source for the words that win and the funny that makes money. I am humbled by your support, and seriously grateful for your business.

- Michael

Michael D. Hume, M.S.
Senior Author and Chief Sarcasm Officer
Firewords Creative Copy

Meanwhile, in this edition of Word PLAY...

It’s Your Birthday? Nobody Cares.

Word PLAY… Playful Monthly Commentary
On Persuasive Copy For YOUR Business

Today’s my birthday, and while my phone and email have blown up with well wishes, I have to say, when it comes to your marketing copy, nobody cares about your birthday.

Nobody wants to know anything about you personally. No, it’s all business, all the time, when it comes to your email campaigns, your e-newsletter, and (of course) your website copy.

And it’s serious business, at that.

Nobody cares that you had a birthday, or enjoy scuba diving, or have a bad-ass stamp collection, or recently visited Europe or Nebraska or some other foreign place. Keep it professional, people!

Now, the one exception is the holidays. To paste a façade of humanity on your serious business, you’re expected to send the perfunctory “Happy Holidays” messages to your customers and prospects, just like everybody else does. Including your competitors.

“Where’s my perfunctory Happy Holidays email, with a polite but highly-impersonal greeting from my dentist’s office?” you can almost hear your dentist’s patients crying, assuming that greeting went into their junk mail folder.

“That’s it,” comes the next cry. “I’m changing dentists, by golly. Right after New Year’s.”

(Like anybody visits their dentist as regularly as they should.)

(In fairness, the dentist probably didn’t send that greeting. It was probably sent by her overworked, underpaid dental assistant, and it isn’t his fault you didn’t get it. Check your spam sometimes.)

No, customers look forward to dry, boring, pushy sales copy. It’s the first thing they open and read in their inbox. Some print those messages out, and read them softly right before they close their eyes to sleep at night.

So, assuming those are the kind of weird, possibly sociopathic customers you want for your business, by all means, DO NOT DO what that one competitor does… you know, the guy who has lots of fun, non-crazy customers, loads of revenue, and plenty of true enjoyment and happiness from his work.

That guy just doesn’t seem to get it. He sends fun, upbeat, even lightly-HUMOROUS messages to his customers and prospects – on a consistent and regular basis – and somehow even gets away with including personal information from time to time. Like mentioning his birthday.

And his recipients don’t “get it,” either. They must prefer to do business with non professionals! Because they actually do open and read his copy, at a rate about two-and-a-half times the rate your customers read your serious, professional stuff.

It’s like the guy takes his business seriously, but doesn’t take himself too seriously! It’s like his customers and prospects actually get to know, like, and trust him on a regular basis! It’s like they’re so loyal to that despicable competitor that you’ll NEVER win them away from him!

I can’t imagine why people do crazy things like that. After all, the last thing any of us needs – especially around the holidays – is a reason to smile.

And spend money.

Key Take-Aways From This Edition

  • Nobody cares about your birthday.
  • They definitely notice, though, if you don’t send that serious, polite, and politically-correct holiday greeting.
  • Today is my birthday, and you haven’t yet given me a lavish gift. Or text.
  • That one competitor has a lot of nerve, doesn’t he? And a lot of revenue.

If you liked last month’s Key Take-Aways, and you loved this month’s… you’ll go NUTS for next month’s edition of Word PLAY!, which is coming next month!


Discussion Questions

  1. 1
    Did you get your dentist’s polite and impersonal holiday email? Check your junk folder.
  2. 2
    Did I mention that it’s my birthday today? Oh.
  3. 3
    Are you ready to whup your competitor’s serious, impersonal behind with some lightly-HUME-orous persuasive marketing copy?

Send your answers to The most creative, inspirational response will be eligible to win a PRIZE! *

(* Prize is at the sole discretion of Michael Hume, his heirs and assigns, and a focus group comprised of overworked dental assistants while supplies last. Whatever you do, keep it professional and serious. You wouldn’t want people to think you’re unprofessional, or likeable in any way. Readers who do not “get” the heavy dose of sarcasm herein are ineligible for entry and, frankly, for my client list. Top prize this month may or may not be of great value, so that’s all the more reason to take the time to painstakingly write a very serious and impersonal entry. Deadline is theoretical. Boring, lackluster, or unimaginative entries will have no chance of winning, and may even make you look more professional. Good luck!)

Last Month’s Grand Prize Winner: Randy P. bested the fierce competition with his entry, which read (in part): “Like lost socks. You can either buy replacements or embrace your current condition and wear mismatched socks.” So true, Randy. So true. And thanks for following the science. Call before my birthday to claim your prize! As for the rest of you, keep at it. Your moment in the spotlight could come any month now.

Not yet subscribed to Word PLAY? (HORRORS!)

I write HUME-orous marketing copy for happy clients who take their professions very seriously… but whose customers like and trust them because they don’t take themselves too seriously. Want more info? Get in touch…

Call me: (303) 478-8702
Email me:
Investigate me:
Nothing personal here: 195 South Rancho Vista Drive, Pueblo West, CO 81007

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Copyright 2021 by Michael D. Hume, M.S. All rights reserved.
In the unlikely event of a water landing, Word PLAY! will sadly be of no help.
FireWords Creative Copy, 195 South Rancho Vista Drive , Pueblo West, CO 81007, United States

Michael D. Hume, M.S.

Michael Hume is a freelance writer, singer, and songwriter, and author of The 95th Christmas. He's an honor graduate of the Defense Information School, and holds an M.S. from the University of Colorado School of Business. Michael is the author of hundreds of online articles, including the popular series Great Leadership Requires Inspiration, The Conscience of a Restorationist, Appreciate Your Adversaries, and Take Care of Your Business.

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